The Blog that Never Could

The course of an evening can change lives. Events and moments which could tear people apart, and most times don’t.

It’s funny how chocolate powder seperates from the milk and settles on the bottom of the glass, no matter how hard you tried to stir it in.

It’s funny that no matter how hard you try, things just never seem right.

I still love you, but could you please try to love me back. You say it to me,  but it always seems like your actions fall a bit short.

I’m sorry that I’m not a brunette.

A decision has made me a super happy woman. I’m going. Away from here. Away from everything I know and love and cherish. To a new world, a new life, a new experience. Finally.

And best of all - with the man I love.

Not just kid-stuff love. Not just barbie-and-ken love. Not just good-enough-for-now love. But real, honest to goodness, love-everything-about-you-regardless-of how-much-I-might-think-it’s-silly love, want-to-be-near-you-every-minute-of-every-day love. The kind of love I want to have in my life forever. Love that makes your heart flip flop around in your chest. It makes you feel so much more in love just knowing you love them.

Sappiness aside, we are going to Adelaide. Together. And I will live and work there for a bit, then hopefully we can travel all over together. I have no idea of any plans or timelines for our life or love or anything. But I know that it is going to be amazing, and fun, and the best deicison I have ever made.

And all this on just one night in January. What a life I have been leading.

Today was the best day I have ever had. I am willing to die for this man.

<3

I like the idea of how a photo steals a part of your soul, and each picture is a tiny part of you. A symbol of that point in your life, or a simple memory of what once was. I really wish I could gather all the photos of someone that have ever existed and create a whole being. Ask the pictures questions and take out all the bad ones, so that all is left is this perfect set of photos, and a perfect soul to go along with it.

I am dying to see Conor. It is seriously so soon till he gets here. I am so nervous about how in love with him I am. It’s attrocious how attracted to him I am, and how willing I am to drop everything for him. Although, I know he is doing it for me too. Which is hella comforting. I just cant wait to live a beautiful life with him. I have even considered recently what it would be like to actually have kids, and for said kids to possibly be ginger.

It’s funny, because I never thought of myself as a good writer, and then all of a sudden I read something from past entries and it astonishes me. I’m so surprised by my own intelect that it scares me. I truely do not appreciate myself enough.

I finished exams today. What a beautiful feeling that was. To get all that garbage behind me. Now all I have to think about it work, christmas and Mexico. Probably not in that order - more like Mexico, Conor, Christmas. Screw work.

I don’t know why I am writing, or what it is that I am feeling, but it is agonizing none the less. I feel as though Conor may never come back. I feel like I am spouting off all these magical plans for him to move in, and for us to be amazing together, but really, it could all collapse in a moment’s notice. At the whimsy of some university councillor. She could be the woman who changes my life, rather than Conor being the man who changes my life.

I really wish I was meant to be an aimless wanderer. Listening to endless music, strolling through parks and busy streets, writing endless stories about mindless things. Perpetually lost in other people’s eyes. Having no set plans, no direction, no hope for the future. Just a strange affinity for tea.

“Must be a Devil between us, HEY.”

I never thought I would feel like this for another person again. After Harley, I thought I was broken - Never able to love again. But here I am. Listening to old voicemail messages he leaves me, saving messages he sends to me, planning where his things can go when he moves in.
There is still a part of me that is freaking out over the fact that he is going to move in with me, and that I am moving to Australia with him. But there is also that part of me that says it’s not that huge of a deal. I know I love him, and I know he loves me too. Everything will work itself out to make one amazing life together.

I just miss him so much right now. It’s hard to be motivated, when I have no one to do it for. I want to hug him and cuddle, and make love. I want to tell him secrets, and complain about work, and listen to all the great stories he has of his adventures. I want so badly to be near him.

I love him.